Working with Parents

Every player on every team has at least one parent, and often two, who care about their child and want to see him succeed. Parents are, therefore, an important constituency that a successful coach will want to cultivate as allies. Creating positive relationships with parents, from the beginning, can help make problematic situations less difficult to manage.

Here are some things I’ve learned over the years about “coaching the parents”.

Teach the parents, too. 

Appreciate that parents vary widely in their tennis knowledge and experience. Some may be excellent players in their own right, and some may have played high school or college tennis when they were younger. Others, however, are new to the sport, and do not understand how tennis is played, how it’s scored, and what the rules, customs, and etiquette are.

Get to know your parents, and consider it your job to teach them what they need to know to enjoy watching their children play.

Flood your parents with information.

Prepare a “program guide” that includes everything you can think of regarding high school tennis in general, and your own school’s program in particular. 

Hold a parents’ meeting early in the season to talk about the season, and about your expectations and philosophy.

In particular, explain how your singles lineup will be determined, and what considerations you will take into account when forming doubles teams.

During the season, communicate directly with parents via email and text. Don’t assume that, just because you told the players, the parents will get the message.

Set reasonable expectations.

Communicate a realistic sense of the likelihood of winning matches, championships, etc. Focus your attention on what the players can control: their effort and their attitude.

If your team will struggle to win matches at all, don’t set winning the conference championship as your goal. At the end of the season, you want to be able to claim success, if at all possible.

Be clear about attendance policies.

Inform players and parents alike as to what you expect with regard to tardiness and absences. Clearly explain what you consider to be an “excused absence”, and what is not, and what the consequences for unexcused absences will be. 

Then, do what you say you will do. 

Don’t discuss lineup issues with parents.

Do not discuss playing time and position issues with parents. In tennis, singles lineups are often determined by challenge matches, so this is easier for tennis coaches to do than it might be for other sports, like volleyball or basketball. Even so, it’s good practice not to discuss these issues with parents.

If a parent initiates such a conversation, listen politely, and then explain your process for determining positions in general terms, and assure the parent that their child is getting the same opportunity as every other member of the team.

Do not “over-promise”. 

When confronted by parents wanting to see their child play more, it’s easy to try to pacify the situation by saying something like, “well, I’ll try to put her in the lineup when we play next Tuesday.” 

That’s a mistake. You have a process for determining the lineup. Explain that process early in the season, and then, stick to it. A player doesn’t get to play just because she’s got an assertive parent.

Don’t “coach” where spectators can hear you. 

When watching a high school tennis match, coaches can often find themselves carrying on an audible commentary about what’s happening on the court. That can get you in trouble, because tennis matches are unique in that, during the match, the coaches are in the same physical space as the parents and other spectators. 

Be careful with what you say about the players when their parents can hear you. Expressing your frustration over a missed shot, or talking about a player’s flaws or shortcomings, can make parents rise to the defense of their children. 

Even if you are right, parents don’t like to hear negative things about their kids. 

So, don’t coach right next to the parents, if you can help it. Give yourself some space.

Get your administration’s support before you need it.

Make sure that your athletic director is aware of your policies, and that, if you follow those policies, your administration will back you.

If your athletic department will not support a rule that you think is appropriate, have that conversation with your administration before the season begins. And, as frustrating as it might be, don’t create a rule that your administration will not support. Nothing is worse than having a parent go over your head, and getting your decision reversed. 

Being confident of your athletic director’s support allows you to respond to parental complaints with serene self-confidence.

Remember to see things from a parent’s point-of-view.

Have some compassion for the dilemma parents have watching their children compete. In every tennis match, someone will win, and someone will lose. The parent has to take the player home after the contest is over, and deal with the feelings, either way.  

Most parents love their kids, hate to see them disappointed, and rise to defend them when they feel they're being treated unfairly. 

On the other hand, some parents have an inflated estimate of their child's talent, and some are living vicariously through their children, especially through their child's athletics. You can't fix this, so don't take it personally.

Celebrate in public, and criticize, when necessary, in private.

Never criticize the team’s performance in the media, or in public settings like awards ceremonies. Your team is not composed of professional athletes, and their parents will not take kindly to reading or hearing critical comments about their children. 

In public, therefore, be relentlessly positive, and find something to celebrate, even when, privately, you’re disappointed in the result.

Let your parents help.

Give your parents a way to contribute to the team. Let them bring snacks to the matches. Let them organize a team outing. Find ways to give the parents a sense of ownership in the team. 

If parents have tennis experience, share with them how they can be cleared to help at practice. (This will probably involve a background check and various online courses.) Just make sure that everyone who helps at practice is there to coach the whole team, and not just their own child.

Remember the important things. 

Your influence over the competitive success of your team is limited. Remember that 80% of your team's success is predicated on the talent and experience you players have on the first day of practice. (This is why college coaches recruit!) You can't recruit better players. Your influence is limited to the 20% that can be affected by instruction, strategic decisions, organization, etc. This is true, whether anyone else, including parents, believes it or not.

But, your influence over your players’ attitudes, conduct, and character is almost limitless. You can lose every match, and still be a great coach, if your players grow under your leadership. 

If, at the end of the season, your players have learned a little about tennis, and learned a lot about life, your parents will line up to thank you for it.